Vicarious
by dea-inochi12
Summary: Life is not a game that you can just reset when everything goes wrong. It's full of pain, hatred and suffering and who ever said ignorance was bliss was right. SxS


**Prologue: Contentment is a façade for surviving**

Sakura has been looking a bit sickly these past few days. Her eyes have lost their luster and the bags under them have become more noticeable. Despite the closeness we used to share, she's been keeping her troubles to herself and I certainly don't appreciate her constant hovering over Li-kun. What's so special about him anyway? I have already resigned myself to admitting defeat over Sakura's love but I couldn't help but feel frustrated over the lack of reciprocity in his part. Does he not like her that way? Why is it that he doesn't appreciate the attention she's been giving him? Instead, he flaunts his popularity to Sakura by hanging out with different women day after day while she stands there by his side, looking happy for him.

They are both fools. I don't understand how she can stand having her heart torn apart every time he chooses to hang out with someone else over her. She constantly smiles like there's nothing but deep down the strain has been growing more and more. She never listens.

We are selfish people. What happiness you achieve with a graze of his hand onto yours will never be enough to quench your desire to be cared for. Despite knowing that he shifts his gaze towards another, you will slowly come to realize you first words of contentment of him being close to you will never hold against the yearning of keeping him to yourself.

We are needy people. A brush of his shoulder against yours whenever your paths cross in the train, or his breath across your neck when unknowingly leans his head onto you as he sleeps in the bus, will only leave you wanting more. Sooner or later, this feeling of satisfaction with your current situation will fade as your heart trembles for more.

Sooner or later, you realize those words you uttered to yourself are merely ramblings to prevent yourself from heartbreak every time you see him with another.

It is in our nature to yearn for things. Though we may come to crave for such affection, we have to live with the fact that he will, in no way, be yours.

There is no such thing as contentment, it's a lie you tell yourself when you settle for less than you bargained for. It's an excuse you give yourself when you refuse to accept that you are just trying to survive, rather than live.

I would know, Sakura, because I have been eternally damned to take that road. Didn't you send me there?

People assume that just because I smile I have no problems or worries. I smile because it's what's expected of me. People assume I am strong and I have always followed through with that impression in hopes that people would not look down on me but the reality is, I am as selfish as the next person. If the world went my way, I would have been the person standing beside her and yet, here I am quietly brooding; hoping that she would realize her mistake and go for me instead.

* * *

><p>Tomoyo, I was okay with having to stay by his side as long as he'll want me. I was happy just being near him, even though he'll never truly appreciate what I've done for him. I was fine, until you had to mention it. I buried deep it within the crevices of my mind, locked behind all those feelings and memories we had. I had accepted the fact and have learned to keep it all to myself.<p>

I was living, Tomoyo. I truly content with everything. The warmth of his body as he pulled me towards him; even though I know it'll never be more than a friendly gesture, it was enough to get by. I was happy knowing he'd call every night, hearing his voice talk for hours, even though I know it was platonic, it was more than enough. So what if he leaves me for someone else? It's his right to do so, who am I to impose? I am but his loyal friend, sent by God to watch his back and be by his side as he swoops another damsel in his arms. So what if he doesn't remember my birthday? We forget a lot of things.

So what if I cry every night? So what if look away when he's with another? It helps me live; it helps me get out of bed in the morning. That's enough for me.

It really is.

These tears are just a manifestation of how wrong you are. I am laughing inside, just wait for it.


End file.
